Mistake number 800,401

Responding vs. Reacting (Heather Forbes, Dare to Love)
Right Brain=Emotions Left Brain =Logic

We constantly want our children to function out of logic. "If you do this, I am going to do this to you or you are going to face this consequence" Right?????? We do! However the new perspective challenges us to meet our child at the RIGHT BRAIN the EMOTIONAL side of things vs. logic. Here's my first example today!

Hudson has been experiencing some major issues at school because his teacher is "old school" and she OFTEN takes away a recess for mis behavior, or a forgotten folder, or homework or basically WHATEVER.. Much to my frustration and few trips to the school, a meeting with the principle, a couple of "e-mails" back and forth to the teacher she is NOT supposed to be taking my son's recess away. If you have had the pleasure to know me then you know this momma is not a nice momma when you cross my children! This will be another blog later on  I also have a great understanding of the brain and play for children as my own education and Social Work experience often deals with what is developmentally appropriate and important for our children and their brains.  PLAY IS A MUST WHICH HELPS OUR CHILDREN DEVELOP AND LEARN! Not to mention, helps our children practice manners, build friendships, stay at a healthy weight and so on. So taking my son's recess away is a huge no no! Also for those of you who know me, forgetfulness is a daily personality trait that my poor son Hudson has gained and I refuse for him to be punished for my attributes. I would rather the teacher, create rewards systems, use encouragement, and practice appropriate behavior vs. consequence.  Again another blog another day. So last night he tells me, "Mom we are going to miss recess tomorrow because we have to practice lining up because we didn't line up quietly. So, I'm not going to school and If I have to I'm going to do something so that I get kicked out of school, so I never have to go back". He's sobbing and whining, and really getting on my nerves. And, him saying "I'm going to do something (probably call her a name, his favorite name is stupid right now) caused some serious fear in me. Well, honestly,  I'm super tired of this ongoing battle. Unfortunately, his teacher will not CHANGE AND I CANT CONTROL HER! darn it! So I have begun to be dismissive of Hudson's behaviors and his feelings because this battle has become daily and it is a hard battle that I'm unable to win! Every day, Hudson  is crying or has a complaint about school. He sadly, absolutely hates school. And, as you can see her consequences are working brilliantly! (I'm obviously being sarcastic as I say this)  I'm tired and overwhelmed. So out of fear this morning I say, "Hudson, if you do something that your not supposed to at school, whatever that may be, you won't be playing at all EVER!" Also, I then said, "Hudson you also will not be going to Skate City tonight if you don't go to school". (Typical right? Respond with fear and instill fear into a child in order to get the outcome we want) Ugh. I knew it too when I got to school to watch my son play intramural volleyball I felt this horrible guilt feeling as I looked at Hudson sitting quietly with me watching. My son is a good kid, and I SHOULD have met him at his emotional place, validating, listening, hugging him and responding with I'm so sorry. I have found that if I acknowledge their feelings they begin to fulfill their right brain needs. After however long it takes to repeat back to them their feelings and validate them they begin to calm down. I then can move to what is often called plan B (again I'll talk more about this later) where we work together to deal with the situation and come up with a plan that works for both of us! I know it takes a lot of time, and because I"m often parenting these two boys by myself it eats me up! However, I know that meeting a child where they are at emotionally is crucial to a positive development. What Heather Forbes author of Dare to Love says, "Science is showing that positive emotional experiences carve permanent pathways into a child's developing neurological system." Those permanent pathways that are positive later are displayed through positive, independent, affectionate, compassion, respect, obedience the list goes on, basically creates ways for children to have good behavior. Does fear based parenting work? For many yes it does, for those who are considered the more difficult children or traumatized or "strong willed" not so much. Not only are we not meeting our children where they are at with fear based parenting,  we may be on a pathway to disaster and rebellion. I know because that is the path (rebellious) I took hence why I am passionate about changing my parenting techniques, I hope its not too late. I'm using fear to change my parenting and I want to meet my child and make him whole. Just as Jesus does for us. Heather says, don't react, respond. She describes the most amazing example: "Imagine having the opportunity to sit next to Gandhi, Jesus Christ, or Mother Teresa. How do you think you would feel simply sitting next to any one of these individuals who simply radiate love? Would your system automatically shift to a state of regulation? You undoubtedly would feel a sense of calm and peacefulness, even if words were not exchanged." I know Jesus meets me and he knows my heart and often times that is what he is for me a safe place to be loved. Oh gosh......I so desperately want to be this person for my babies. Love momma's love!

New Parenting Paradigm

I am on a new journey to discover healing for my children and others children who I am often faced with as  Social Worker and Equine Coach.  After my divorce my oldest son displayed some pretty serious behaviors. The changes, different parenting styles and inconsistency developed some rage in my son's heart. Also as a young mother who struggled desperately to have some peace amidst a poor marriage, a son's constant health issues, and my own past, created a mean mother and often times a mother who parented out of fear. I was exhausted, I was up sometimes 7 times a night with a son who had "night terrors" allergies to what felt like everything and a new baby. I was not kind, I was a very practiced and typical parent who offered consequences to everything and any behavior that was not "appropriate" I automatically tried to distinguish it, out of fear of my children turning "bad" or being embarrassed and worried what others would think. The sleep deprivation was making me crazy and I often times looked to others for parenting tips and methods that actually, looking back now were "old" school and often times abusive, rash, harsh, controlling, and fear based. Ugh. Truthfully I'm still stuck in some of the "old" ways. I am trying to break those patterns as I have finally found a parenting style technique that resignates with my own heart. I know because I feel the passion and the pain of my own past in a very abusive environment. I know that I longed for someone to explore  my feelings, feel and hear my pain, validate my feelings, and most of all become the person God designed me to be---fully accepted and loved. So I'm blogging my journey to change and practice and hope you all will journey with me. I have been on a quest since the age of 11. I have always felt there was another way. My sister was diagnosed with RAD (an attachment disorder) and the typical parenting methods, some of which included a rigid Christian, old school, parenting didn't work. Neither did in office counseling. (Which by the way doesn't often work for children) So after years of counseling myself included. I began an educational journey through college and dedicated myself to 9 years of social work experience working with traumatized youth and struggling parents. Through the years I have gathered so many resources to offer other mothers who are hurting and struggling, lets face it, parenting SUCKS at times and I fail miserably! However today I begin sharing my own struggles and changes.The new model is a combined effort of many. I like to call it, Strength and Grace based (Godly) Parenting (perspective.) Vs. Parenting out of fear.Yup and I did say Godly. I'll be throwing in some God verses that describes my version of Jesus as our father.  In other words (old school) vs. (scientific, researched, most effective, and they way God created our hearts and brains) Over the next few months I'll be sharing experiences of how I'm changing.It's radical and its hard to change. Don't be haters! Don't judge! Be open!

Introducing.......

 

This is our current farm house!  We live on 5 acres in town in Colorado Springs. I found this location a year and half ago in October. We went for it!!! I put our house up for rent and BAM! 3 days later a family rented it and we were planning to move within 21 days.  The home is remodeled inside, looks beautiful …dun dun dun! However, the home was built in 1904. For some reason it didn’t bother me or concern me--it even added to the ambiance. I was in love with the 4 bedroom 2 bath farm house. We also have this shabby barn-like structure in the back off of one of the pastures! Off we went into the home, ecstatic.

            The first year was a NIGHTMARE! We had no water at times and when we did, it was ORANGE! We had no heat off and on throughout the winter; leaks in the roof, wet carpets, and sewage in our tubs at times …I mean seriously! At the age of 32, I had to ask my mother to do my laundry. I pretty much cried every other day. Okay, then 13 months into it, the landlord finally (with a few threats of suing) agreed to fix the water and put a whole new system in. He also fixed some of the sewer problems. Things started to feel “normal” again! However, I have recently been accepted in a masters program at Metro State in Denver. We felt like this home and everything in it was too costly to stay here. I prayed and prayed and finally was willing to leave. We tried to buy a “normal” home in a “normal” neighborhood. (Just so you all know,  I’m not a “neighborhood” kind of girl. ) So……(you’ll get the end of the story at the end! )

            Over the past three years my faith has grown tremendously. My heartbreak and tumultuous divorce was an incredibly devastating experience. I had a great fear of getting re-married and did not trust my decision making skills.  My expulsion out of some of my closest communities, gossip, and the loss of many meaningful friendships was painful beyond words. At first I totally isolated myself.  However, I began to find verses of encouragement and grace and, of course, strength. My first step was practicing stepping out of my front door.  I began to live my life, go for my dreams and focus on moving forward and taking off any pressures that were on me that I put on myself or that I believed others put on me. Amazingly, I found this house, someone gave me a horse, I found a RV that would be perfect for the boys and me, and I got a job to help provide for my needs.  My mother began a praise journal for me because prayers that I lifted up to God were being granted left and right. Neal has stuck with me through it all. The joy of my three boys is insurmountable. Isaiah, my youngest, is truly a gift from God.  It’s been difficult at times no question, but God has truly blessed me and has NEVER left my side. Not only has he not left, but he is with me so closely sometimes I get afraid. (If that makes any sense)  So here we are! We tried to move when our lease was up and buy a house. God immediately closed that door and I was confused, but knew I could trust God. (AFTER I threw a fit. FYI--poor Neal, he sees 9 million of my fits…you should see one of my fits, they are incredible) Anyway, I believe one of the greatest blessings by God is when we get to see “WHY” he closes doors.

            So, back to my story, I was accepted to complete my masters online. Through this program I applied for an internship with a local agency that I have close ties with from my last job. They were excited and agreed to let me do my internship with them!  I proposed to the agency and to the University to start a horse therapy program, combining my horse experience as well as my social work experience for my internship.  They both accepted just last week.  I also found a local agency (Boy Scouts of America) that is willing to offer insurance. Holy moley, I say! I am starting a horse therapy program! Then, another horse was given to me to use for FREE!

            AGAIN GOD HAS BLESSED ME. I named my program after my given name, Susanna, found in Mark 8. It means lily of the valley, true beauty.  “true  beauty” The program will be mainly for girls ages 15-18. I wrote my own curriculum focused to work with girls whose futures may be at risk due to their past. The curriculum was written from my heart, my experience as an adolescent therapist/social worker and from my own experiences.  I am passionate about them learning how to break patterns, gain a new faith in God, and create plans to be successful through creating education plans, health and spiritual awakening. Most of all I hope to share the GRACE OF GOD. This is truly God’s program because he has led me in this direction and opened doors that I would have never expected to open three months ago. (The idea came to me one day after going to a church service three months ago. The message was on using your “gifts”. We are called to use our GOD GIVEN GIFTS! I felt motivated and that day the idea came to me to present the idea of starting a horse therapy program and combine it with my internship!)  Like I said, HOLY Crap. He moves quickly when it’s HIS plan.

            I am truly thankful for ALL of the experiences God has given me and the people he has placed in my life to be able to start this program. I am forever grateful to those who gave me a safe place to be and to ride while growing up (during difficult times), which has given me the horse experience necessary to do this program. I am thankful for my pain and substantial learning through my divorce because my faith has grown so much as a result of it. (Recently Neal and I did spiritual gift testing through our life group and one of my top three gifts is FAITH)  That was not the same gift I had three years ago. My gifts have changed and fit me and I aim to use them! God is so good! I am thankful for those who have accepted me where I am!

            This letter is to ask for prayer. Recently my mother met a woman with the gift of intercession/prayer. Her ministry is teaching others about the importance of prayer and most of all the importance of a prayer team behind every ministry. I have huge needs with starting a horse therapy program. Funding needs: horse hay, shovels, trash service, helmets, equipment to train girls to ride (saddles, pads, helmets, etc) including a port-a-potty!  We also need prayer for protection for the girls, finding the right girls for the program, and of course protection for my family. 2 Chronicles 20:15: Thus says the Lord to you, ‘Do not fear or be dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours but God’s. Please let me know if you may be interested in being on a team to pray for us as we embark on this journey of which I feel fear and excitement!

True beauty   Σουσάννα

Grace

 “We think we have to change, grow and be good in order to be loved. But rather we are loved and we receive His grace so we can change, grow and be good.” -John Powell