Mistake number 800,401

Responding vs. Reacting (Heather Forbes, Dare to Love)
Right Brain=Emotions Left Brain =Logic

We constantly want our children to function out of logic. "If you do this, I am going to do this to you or you are going to face this consequence" Right?????? We do! However the new perspective challenges us to meet our child at the RIGHT BRAIN the EMOTIONAL side of things vs. logic. Here's my first example today!

Hudson has been experiencing some major issues at school because his teacher is "old school" and she OFTEN takes away a recess for mis behavior, or a forgotten folder, or homework or basically WHATEVER.. Much to my frustration and few trips to the school, a meeting with the principle, a couple of "e-mails" back and forth to the teacher she is NOT supposed to be taking my son's recess away. If you have had the pleasure to know me then you know this momma is not a nice momma when you cross my children! This will be another blog later on  I also have a great understanding of the brain and play for children as my own education and Social Work experience often deals with what is developmentally appropriate and important for our children and their brains.  PLAY IS A MUST WHICH HELPS OUR CHILDREN DEVELOP AND LEARN! Not to mention, helps our children practice manners, build friendships, stay at a healthy weight and so on. So taking my son's recess away is a huge no no! Also for those of you who know me, forgetfulness is a daily personality trait that my poor son Hudson has gained and I refuse for him to be punished for my attributes. I would rather the teacher, create rewards systems, use encouragement, and practice appropriate behavior vs. consequence.  Again another blog another day. So last night he tells me, "Mom we are going to miss recess tomorrow because we have to practice lining up because we didn't line up quietly. So, I'm not going to school and If I have to I'm going to do something so that I get kicked out of school, so I never have to go back". He's sobbing and whining, and really getting on my nerves. And, him saying "I'm going to do something (probably call her a name, his favorite name is stupid right now) caused some serious fear in me. Well, honestly,  I'm super tired of this ongoing battle. Unfortunately, his teacher will not CHANGE AND I CANT CONTROL HER! darn it! So I have begun to be dismissive of Hudson's behaviors and his feelings because this battle has become daily and it is a hard battle that I'm unable to win! Every day, Hudson  is crying or has a complaint about school. He sadly, absolutely hates school. And, as you can see her consequences are working brilliantly! (I'm obviously being sarcastic as I say this)  I'm tired and overwhelmed. So out of fear this morning I say, "Hudson, if you do something that your not supposed to at school, whatever that may be, you won't be playing at all EVER!" Also, I then said, "Hudson you also will not be going to Skate City tonight if you don't go to school". (Typical right? Respond with fear and instill fear into a child in order to get the outcome we want) Ugh. I knew it too when I got to school to watch my son play intramural volleyball I felt this horrible guilt feeling as I looked at Hudson sitting quietly with me watching. My son is a good kid, and I SHOULD have met him at his emotional place, validating, listening, hugging him and responding with I'm so sorry. I have found that if I acknowledge their feelings they begin to fulfill their right brain needs. After however long it takes to repeat back to them their feelings and validate them they begin to calm down. I then can move to what is often called plan B (again I'll talk more about this later) where we work together to deal with the situation and come up with a plan that works for both of us! I know it takes a lot of time, and because I"m often parenting these two boys by myself it eats me up! However, I know that meeting a child where they are at emotionally is crucial to a positive development. What Heather Forbes author of Dare to Love says, "Science is showing that positive emotional experiences carve permanent pathways into a child's developing neurological system." Those permanent pathways that are positive later are displayed through positive, independent, affectionate, compassion, respect, obedience the list goes on, basically creates ways for children to have good behavior. Does fear based parenting work? For many yes it does, for those who are considered the more difficult children or traumatized or "strong willed" not so much. Not only are we not meeting our children where they are at with fear based parenting,  we may be on a pathway to disaster and rebellion. I know because that is the path (rebellious) I took hence why I am passionate about changing my parenting techniques, I hope its not too late. I'm using fear to change my parenting and I want to meet my child and make him whole. Just as Jesus does for us. Heather says, don't react, respond. She describes the most amazing example: "Imagine having the opportunity to sit next to Gandhi, Jesus Christ, or Mother Teresa. How do you think you would feel simply sitting next to any one of these individuals who simply radiate love? Would your system automatically shift to a state of regulation? You undoubtedly would feel a sense of calm and peacefulness, even if words were not exchanged." I know Jesus meets me and he knows my heart and often times that is what he is for me a safe place to be loved. Oh gosh......I so desperately want to be this person for my babies. Love momma's love!